So I was searching through my writings for a list of things I needed for C²K, and found something that was written in response to @SomebodyNotOnFet’s Facebook link. The link was:
http://www.journal-news.com/news/lifestyles/parenting/physician-parents-youre-doing-it-wrong/np69X/

tl;dr: Doctor Grumpy Pants says you’re parenting wrong if you’re allowing kids to have any kind of self actualized identity or opinions of their own…

My response:

Have to say I disagree with a lot of this. Dear Son is turning out alright…

The idea of using parental dictate as the default teaches children they have no autonomy and must be subordinate to those in authority by default. That sets up a lot of BigBrother state being okay which bothers me to no end. “This is what’s wrong with ‘Murka,” kind of bother… In anything short of a seconds-matter emergency situation, I’ve always tried to explain to Dear Son why what needs to be done and convince him to deal with something that’s for his own good. I can’t think of a good reason to not do that. Certainly, if it needs doing, it needs doing, but don’t start out making demands. Make a request, and sometimes you get the answer you need. If not, explain. If still not, well, that’s when, “You’re the kid, I’m the adult, sorry.” comes in. And even then, it’s I’m genuinely sorry that he has to be forced to do something he doesn’t want to do. I don’t enjoy depriving people of their autonomy, regardless of their age. I certainly don’t treat anyone as if their lack of autonomy should be a default state. It’s a necessary evil sometimes, and that’s life.

I’ve always reserved *demands* for things that are immediate and urgent. “Dad voice,” means you’re about to get hurt or do something supremely dangerous/stupid/expensive, and you need to stop it right now. Never had a problem with getting the required response. I think it’s “crying wolf” to use that in cases where it’s not required. It weakens the effect when you really and truly need them to listen to you without question.

As far as alliance with the school? Fuck that noise. The US public school system should be burned to the ground. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve sided with Dear Son against the school. Granted, the school wins (because BigBrother, in part…), but the alliance is between Dear Son and me, against the school when necessary. Why the hell would I side with the government against my own kid? As collaborators in this conspiracy, we have an understanding that, “Suck it up, get your paper, and GTFO,” is sometimes the only winning play. Pick your battles. But it’s never a matter of do it because the school said so. We talk about their motivations. We try to find a veneer of a reason, some way of understanding the “why” when we can. A lot of times, that’s led to understanding and acceptance, though usually not enthusiasm for the policy. The life skill of being able to understand what makes others tick is FAR more valuable than anything he’s going to get out of school. He’d never get that if the school and I were in an “alliance” and just smashed his opinions into the dirt without question.

For for all the attempted empathy and understanding, I agree with Dear Son in many cases, the school policy is bullshit, completely unsupported by any good reason, and it still doesn’t matter because we’re both powerless against The Man. The good Dr’s position that you should trust the school to know better? Baaaaaaa. Good sheep…

Screens out of the bedroom. Fuck that noise too. You want to be Dr. Luddite, that’s fine. For most of my life, some sort of electronic device has been my exocortex. The part of my brain that usually works better. I’m a fan of transhuman ideas, and I have no problem whatsoever with having a connected device on hand at all times. Again with the autonomy and me not being more-equal, I never leave my own device *anywhere*, and I wouldn’t expect Dear Son to do differently. There are socially appropriate times to be playing with it, so that’s a thing. Have it to look something up at dinner, no problem. Have it to play flappy goat when people might want to converse with you? Nah. That doesn’t fly. Courtesy is a thing.

As far as kids being sleep deprived? No argument there. It’s not the screens though… That’s more a function of adults insisting that children operate on adult and senior schedules. There’s quite a bit of evidence that humans evolved so that different age groups are most alert at different times of the day. Some part of the tribe is always in their alert period to watch for danger and signal the others. We do kids (and teens especially) a disservice to insist that they be alert early in the morning when their bodies are wired to be alert later in the day. File that under burning the US school system, but anywho. As far as staying up late and being exhausted because angry chickens? Autonomy means living with your own choices. Still gotta get up and do the necessary. If you’re tired because you stayed up too late last night? Here… Lemme jam out a little solo for you on my diminutive violin… Don’t do it again, go to school, have a nice day!!!

I don’t think I’m doing anything good by removing the opportunity for bad choices. Obviously there’s limits to that. I’m not going to leave a couple of lines of coke on the kitchen table so Dear Son can choose not to do it. (For the record, I don’t do cocaine. This is literary hyperbole. We all know rope is my addiction…) But for things where the consequences are fairly benign, I’ve no doubt making your own mistakes and learning from them is far more valuable than never having been given the opportunity to make mistakes.

The whole family meals, time with us wins out over everything else… Nope. Again, Dear Son is an autonomous person with his own desires and goals. Just because I’m a parent doesn’t mean my desires automatically trump his. There are family holiday things that I insist he attend sometimes. Courtesy dictates it, even if it’s not your favorite place to be. There are others (recently a party of adults and distant cousins he doesn’t know) where I could fully understand that six hours in the car to eat lunch & drive home wasn’t a thing he wanted to do. I hope he values the time he & I spend together and wants to spend time with dear old dad sometimes, but I don’t feel I get to dictate who he spends his time with. He’ll be young and have friends in high school once in his life. He should enjoy that to the degree he wants to while he can.

Now, there are limits to how far I’m willing to go to to facilitate that as well. I don’t get to dictate how he spends his time, but neither do his desires necessarily dictate how I spend mine. The whole shuttling kids, à la soccer mom? Na… My time’s not more important than his, but it’s not less either. I’m the one with the car keys, so that tips the scales in my favor a bit. Sometimes we’ve driven an hour out of the way to pick up or drop off at a friends to go to an event or something, but no chance I’d ever structure every evening around playing chauffeur…

If anything, a lot of the Dr’s dictates sound like he’s jealous of the young. “You can’t hang out with friends you have meaningful connections, shared experiences, and have fun with because I don’t have that and so I insist you spend time with me so I’m not lonely.” That’s what I’m getting out of it anyways. Not me. Have fun kid. You’ll be old before you know it, and dead not long after that. Life’s too short not to spend time with the people *you* want to spend it with. I’m also a big subscriber to the idea of choice-family rather than blood-family. Some of the people I consider my closest family members have no blood at all between us. Some people I’ve blood relations to, I could squarely do without (and largely do). Blood doesn’t matter nearly as much to me as it does to some, and I’m not about to insist my child choose blood above all else.

Also, not for nothing, but Dr. Luddite there even *looks* like the canonical example of, “That asshole hard ass dad”…