This writing has a sound track…
“Begin Again” • Jason Ross • Anjunabeats Worldwide 06*

I doubt this is true for all personality types, but my own unique breed of braingremlins do not do well when there’s something I’m Responsible For that I can’t actually do yet. Quite a lot of things have to get done to bring a weekend kink event together, and the thought of Letting People Down … Well… Let’s not think about that yet.

The best way to keep the braingremlins from gnawing away is to make a list and get everything done that can possibly be done as soon as it possibly can get done. There’s always a little room for last minute stuff, but if it can’t be fixed with a quick run to Staples or Dom Depot, the gremlins will not rest until it’s out of the way.

A quiet start, but you can feel the energy starting to weave its way in around 1:04.

“Sos” • Ilan Bluestone & Grum • Anjunabeats Worldwide 06

Energy, but flattened out. Square wave bass constrains the maximum amplitude. Interwoven melodies around 0:48, all the things that need doing. Purposeful melody at 1:02. Focus, accomplishment. A moment’s relaxation at 1:15, but the Things are still waiting. They’ll be back. They break through the calm at 1:30. A sharp melody strikes with the background buzz of the squares gone. Just focus. Plenty of time. Knock them out one at a time. But everything else is still looming. Focus gets buried. Forces back through the noise. Focus! Knock down what still needs doing (2:50).

Of course among the numerous things that need doing to run a kink event, there are LOTS of things that just can’t be done very far in advance. Printing name tags before all the last minute sales are done is wasteful and takes longer than just doing it all at once last minute. Oddly, most venues object to showing up with a truck load of dungeon furniture a month before you’re supposed to be there…

So anyone with similar braingremlins to mine probably understands the state of manic calm that falls in the week or two before The Day. Everything that could be finished ahead of time is. All the supplies you need to do the last minute stuff are on-hand, probably packed away in a storage tub ready to go on a truck. The name tag blanks are sitting next to the printer, the design & mail merge spreadsheet are ready. Just gotta paste those last few names in (come on folks… plan ahead a little??? 😉 and hit print. And swear at the printer for an hour because it’s 2016 and still nobody can design a laser printer that’s worth a damn when the weather’s a bit humid…

“You’ve done all you can,” is usually reserved for comfort after an epic failure. The operation was a success (but the patient died). You did all you could, doctor… The week before an event, it’s something of a mantra. You’ve got entire DAYS left you could be preparing, but there’s nothing you can do to advance the cause. You just have to wait it out. Manic calm. I SHOULD BE DOING SOMETHING!!! deep breath You’ve done all you can. For now…

“Alone Tonight (Jason Ross Remix)” • Above & Beyond & Jason Ross • Anjunabeats, Vol. 12

Then go-time arrives. There’s a big empty truck pulling up your driveway and a couple of hundred pounds of stuff on your porch to go in it. Then drive to stop two to pick up more stuff. Then three. rinse, repeat The calm part gets to take a powder, and the manic has full agency to get the job done. Adrenaline is a hell of a drug… No pain, no fatigue (well, not yet…). Just DO.

Self-care is important… I know a lot of people have to force themselves during an event to take a little time, get enough sleep, an actual honest to dog meal. Yeah… The gremlins won’t stand for that.

I’m lucky that I can bank spoons pretty well. I can take a couple of days off before the event, get my head together, do good health things like actually sleeping and eating properly and getting some good runs in. That little pre-cation is saving up for the next few days of self abuse. Once it starts, there’s no time for sleep or band-aids. There’s no bones sticking out. WALK IT OFF! Can’t let people down. I’ll be a little over-drawn on the spool account before the weekend is up, but that’s what the day after is for. Recenter, relax, kick out the manic and get back to normal (whatever that means).

The entire time, I feel Marvin the Martin standing on my shoulder. “Where’s the kaboom?? There’s supposed to be an Earth shattering KABOOM!!” Always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Misters Murphy (no, not The Blue) and Finagle are the ruling law for such things. Prepare all you want, but if anything can go wrong… (It’ll probably be expensive…)

If you’re listening, hit at least 2:02 before continuing. The rhythmic crescendo that starts there & runs through about 2:26 into the bass driven percussion running through 2:57… That’s what it sounds like in my brain when it’s go time.

“Bend Girl” • Kyau & Albert • Anjunabeats, Vol. 12
Relaxed energy. Less manic, but nothing close to quieted down. The race is over, but we’re not stopping yet. This is our victory lap.

So for all the stress and second guessing leading up to an event, it’s a precious gift when everything just falls into place (instead of just falling on the floor). With the help of a few awesome people, I feel comfortable saying C2K 2016 went off about as close to perfect as I could have asked for.

Thank you to everyone who helped. I think everyone had a great weekend, and it wouldn’t have happened without every one of you being amazing. “Whoever comes is the right people.” “Whatever happens is the only thing that could have.”

“Black Room Boy” • Above & Beyond • Group Therapy
This song is me.

And speaking of spoons… If you don’t know the Spoon Theory of mental health, take a minute to look it up. It’s a pretty good abstraction. If someone tells you they’re running low on spoons, you’ll know what they mean and have some idea how to help.

The thing about this weekend though…

Usually I’m all-the-fuck-out of spoons after being in a throng of people for three days, being no more than camp-clean (at best), sleeping on a less than ideal bed with nature to wake me up early…

This weekend I was privileged to be surrounded by all of my spoon-positive people. You’re the people I can be surrounded by and actually walk out feeling recharged, not like I had to deal with people all weekend. You all did so much more than just simply be there, but even if that’s all you’d done, you helped.

This Monday, sure physically I feel like Wile E. Coyote after the steam roller came through, but mentally I’m better than I’ve been in a damned long time. Thank you.

“When it’s over, it’s over.”

“I Love You” • O.M.F.G. • Single

I love you guys. I swear, I’m not day drinking. Just high on a con I don’t have to crash from.